I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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