I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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