I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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