You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
