Pants 0. Shit 1.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
