So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize