i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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