the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
