I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
