im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
