Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
