my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
