Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
