I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
