i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
