This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
