could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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