Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
