I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
