Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just gift wrapped bread.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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