Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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