My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
