He uses pillows to masturbate.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
