trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
