I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
How many fucks given?
0.12846
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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