Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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