Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
