and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
