1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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