apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
