I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
