hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
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I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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