Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
