My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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