there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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