I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize