i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
