Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
