My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
