is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
