eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Houston, we have a squirter
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
