I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
