I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
