I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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