if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
