I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
