I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
