You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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