i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
