one two three fourrrrnication!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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