if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
