literally had 100 drinks last night.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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