He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
