He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
