just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
My bed smells like the plague
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
