you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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