I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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