White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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