we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
