I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
