when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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