tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
