Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
