My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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