What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
